


Hope of Humanity (Gone)

by BlackOrbit



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Levi is sad, M/M, Panic Attacks, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 20:00:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14268465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackOrbit/pseuds/BlackOrbit
Summary: Levi's life is falling apart and he doesn't know how to fix it. He lost everything and he lost everyone. The only person he would have trusted his life with had been taken away from him.





	Hope of Humanity (Gone)

The sun already sets down, changing the sky from bright blue to warm yellow. Levi stands on the balcony of his office, freezing, alone. His weight on his elbows, gaze pointed to the now orange horizon, blankly. A deep sigh escapes him.

His eyes wander aimlessly, roaming over his surroundings, the trees, the still busy and crowded streets, his slightly shaking hands, back to the sky. He doesn't know how long he's been standing there. Maybe it's been only a few minutes, maybe it's been hours. He could stand there for days and wouldnt't even notice. Time has no meaning to him. Not anymore. 

_Not since he left him. Left him alone in this cruel world with this unbearable burden of saving mankind on his shoulders._

A shiver runs down Levi's spine and he has to close his eyes. His grip on the parapet tightens and his breathing becomes faster. He knows too well what's about to come. But he won't give in. He doesn't want Erwin to see how weak he is. 

_Weak and pathetic._

'No', Levi thinks, teeth pressed together. 'I'm not.'

_Yes, you are. You've lost so many. Why care about this one man so much? He's only another one. Only one more meaningless death._

Levi groans and a pained expression appears on his face. His head rolls back and he stares at the darkening sky, asking himself how he ever could have thought of it as beautiful, how he could have called _anything_ beautiful. There was only one man he would ever use this word for. But he was gone now. 

Levi sighs again and it's only now that he notices how _loud_ it actually is. Suddenly anger wells up inside him and an angry growl escapes him. He tries to blend it out, to simply not pay _attention_ to it but it doesn't work. They're everywhere, the noises, the voices. Thousands of people are out there, are talking, are laughing. 

It's been a while since Erwin left this world, Levi knows that. But how many months it have been since he had seen his face, had heard his voice for the last time, he can't tell. The only thing Levi did notice is the change of color of the leaves. Nature was where Erwin liked to spend his free days the most. Deep in the woods, far away from everything and everyone. 

Of course there had been an impressive funeral to give this man, who had done so much for humanity, his last honor. Hundrets of people had come and Hanji had been there, right by his sight the whole time, crying and clinging to his cloak. Levi remembers in that night he had cried for the first time in ages. He had sat there for hours in the corner of his room, back pressed against the cold wall while holding onto Erwin's jacket, not able to understand that he isn't there anymore, that he's alone now. Not _willing_ to understand. 

Since then Levi had tried his best to go back to his normal life, his normal routine of fulfilling his duties and being there for the new recruits. Barking orders and still being humanity's strongest.

But it's hard. So, so hard. How can everyone go on like nothing had happened, nothing has changed? Like it's all the same as before. 

But everything has changed. For Levi, it's like he finally has woken up, is now able to see how cruel reality really is. But he has to go on, has to pretend everything is fine even though it's almost impossible for him and even though he feels like he won't be able to ever smile again. 

The sun is fully gone now and a cool breeze indicates the upcoming winter. Levi decides it's best to go inside or else he risks catching a cold and being forced to stay in bed the whole next day. And that is the last thing Levi wants. Being alone is never good because if this happens there won't be anything that distracts him from his own destructive thoughts. 

The moment Levi steps into the warm room it's like everything is crushing down on him. His vision blurrs and he grabs the edge of the table to prevent him from stumbling to the ground. He tries to suppress a sob and slowly he sinks to the hard floor. He doesn't want to, doesn't want to be weak, to lose control over himself, but he can't control his emotions. Not anymore. It costs all of his energy to make the others believe the loss of their commander doesn't effect him _that_ much and to still show everyone his cold exterior but once he is home alone it's like his life is falling apart and he doesn't know how to stop his chest from aching so bad whenever he thinks of Erwin. 

His tears are falling freely now, rolling down his already damp cheeks and falling to the ground. Levi doesn't even bother to wipe them away, he doesn't even really notices. All he can think of is _his_ face, his smile, his caring eyes. The way he used to talk, his braveness. The way he looked at Levi, with those soft eyes and his quiet voice, whenever they were alone, when Levi let his guard down, allowing Erwin to see his _real_ him, when Erwin talked to him in such an _understanding_ way. 

Quiet sobs are wrecking his body and he pulls desperately at his raven hair. He pulls so hard it hurts but he welcomes the pain. His life is falling apart and he doesn't know how to fix it. He lost everything and he lost everyone. The only person he would have trusted his life with had been taken away from him. 

"Why!?", Levi screams, voice hoarse and raw.

When Levi looks back, his past is dark. Living with his uncle and living in the underground have shaped him. Abuse and violence had been present, every day. There had been days, when Levi felt so alone and cold, where he thought about _just already ending it_. The suffering, the pain. His life. 

But when he had met Erwin, everything had changed. He was no longer yelled at or punished for every little thing.

Erwin taught him how to trust again.

And now he is gone, leaving Levi behind, abandoned and empty. He wants it, wants it so bad: to just follow Erwin, wherever he had gone. 

To be with him again.

But he can't, can't do this to Erwin. He had to stay strong for him, even if he doesn't know what it's worth living for, now that Erwin isn't with him anymore. He just has to survive, no matter how, he promised. And promises are not to be broken.

A hollow laugh escapes Levi.

Eventually, Levi lifts himself up, rubbing over his eyes and walks over to his bed, loosening his cravat. Slowly, he strips himself down, only leaving his underwear on and lies down on his mattress, covering himself with the white blanket. Shivering and with eyes puffy from crying, he stares blankly at the opposite wall while his mind wanders to a day a few months ago when it was still warm outside. Hot even, compared to the cold emptiness he's feeling for weeks now. 

_It's a warm day. The sun is high in the sky and lets the leaves shine brightly. It's one of those rare days where everyone can just relax and spend their day wherever or with whomsoever they want. Levi sits in the soft grass, enjoying his day off and the way the sun tickles his neck. Erwin sits next to him, only a few inches away. Would it have been another person, Levi had never allowed them to sit this near to him. But with Erwin... it was different._

_The last couple of minutes they had talked about nothing in particular, about the new recruits, their upcoming mission, old memories. But now, Erwin is quiet and when Levi glances at him for a brief moment, he looks softly, eyes pointed towards the younger man._

_When he notices Levi's stare, Erwin smiles. "You know, I still believe that someday we will live in a _peaceful_ world without fear, no secrets and without any kind of harm." "Yeah. Sure", Levi huffs, crossing his legs and lying back in the smooth grass._

_"I know, you don't believe me and your doubts are eligible..." Levi turns his head slightly to face the taller man. Erwin frowns and his expression is serious while he looks at the sky. "But this day _will_ come!" Soft blue meets cold grey when he continues. "And we will be there, together! I _promise_!"_

One single tear rolls down Levi's cheek.

_You promised._

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is it: My first fanfiction on AO3 "^^  
> I apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes, English is not my mother tongue (I'm German "^^) but I'm trying to keep the level of mistakes as low as possible.  
> With this OS I intended to put my thoughts of Levi coping with Erwin's death in words '^^ I really like stories about Levi showing his 'soft/weak' side :3


End file.
